88 Days in Isolation.

To isolate: verb

cause (a person or place) to be or remain alone or apart from others.

The word that I use to best describe recent times is ‘bizarre’, as it reflects how I am feeling and the way in which society, as a whole has changed. Each person’s experience of their time in isolation is unique to them. It can be perceived as a blessing or a curse or both! For some, it’s seen as a time to get to know and understand oneself better; a chance to tackle the things on the ‘to do’ list that you never seemed to get to or a real opportunity to appreciate the little things in life, more than ever before. Others have found this time more of a struggle, as important events in their lives are cancelled; the loss of connection from not being able to see family or friends or a time of endurance due to distress, sickness or loss. Feelings of resentment, sadness and anxiety are heightened among us. For me, isolation has brought up a range of experiences and emotions. Here, I am going to share with you my own personal experience of ‘life in lockdown’.

Date: Tuesday March 10th

Time: 20:00

Place: Copenhagen Airport

The six of us were sitting in the airport eating pizza as we heard about the closure of Trinity College. A swarm of emotions came over us in this instant as we quickly realised that our plans to head to Cavan for a friend’s 21st that weekend was going to be cancelled and our physical time together in college was about to come to an abrupt end. We speculated about the impact this virus would have on us, our family/friends, our community, our country and our world. As we sat in a ‘half empty’ plane for the 90 minute flight back home, we were surrounded by highly anxious air stewards, passengers wearing facemasks and one very ill young lady who was in need of medical care and the ambulance, on landing. We knew that once we landed in Ireland, life as we knew it might not be the same. On Wednesday, I arrived at work to an empty restaurant; serving a total of 15 people during my 6 hour shift. Within the days that followed, I was made temporarily unemployed. Thursday the 12th saw the closure of all colleges, universities, schools and creches across the country for a 2 week period. Many, including myself were hoping we would be back to finish out the final weeks of our final year in college. On Friday 13th, I went back home to Sligo, to learn that my dear Nanny was in her final few days and was in the North West Hospice. Life hasn't really been the same since.

Date: Friday March 20th

Time: 09:30

Place: North West Hospice

My Nanny, Maureen was unaware of the latest impact of Covid-19. The week before her passing, only one close family member was allowed to be with her at a time. This restriction was reduced for her final days/hours; a maximum of four of us were allowed to be with her in her private room at one time. She passed away peacefully on March 20th surrounded by her loved ones. My Nanny was a firm believer in the traditional Irish wake and funeral. During her time as a Nurse, she had encountered many people who we knew would pay their respects to her and our family after her passing. She was a much respected member of her local community. Her local church would have been bursting at the seams with people wanting to be part of the celebration of her life. Unfortunately, that was not the reality of the situation. She did not get the ‘send off’ that she so richly deserved. Many reminded us of how lucky we were to be able to have a small wake and an even smaller funeral. To be honest, we didn’t feel very lucky, we felt robbed of these important rituals and the part they play in offering a sense of comfort. Since March 23rd, we have been unable to physically connect as a family, visit her grave or go to her house. In some way, I feel like my Nanny has just been in isolation herself for the last 11 weeks and I’m just waiting to see her when the restrictions lift. These customs and practices may seem traditional and old fashioned to many, but are important in helping those to accept the reality of what happened and facilitate grief. We are aware that this is something that we are struggling to come to terms with as a family.

Date: Friday, March 27th

Time: 18:00

Place: My House

Lockdown had begun, I officially moved out of my apartment in Dublin and was back home in Sligo for the unforeseeable future. I said ‘goodbye… see you whenever’ to my boyfriend. Our plans for the summer and to move to Canada had been postponed for another year. I had no choice but to continue to participate and engage in college work, complete my thesis and all other assignments and exams. I sat in my bedroom day after day, totally immersed in my final year assessments. To be honest, it was a very productive time as there was nothing happening to distract me. Each day that I isolated myself within my room, I was becoming more and more aware of the increasing number of cases and deaths. I could feel my anxiety increase as I thought of my father working on the front line. My bedroom became my safe space. It was where I cried, sat with my thoughts and my emotions, it served to hold and protect me emotionally and physically from the threat that I feared so much. I began to question the importance of my college assignments but still continued to pour my ‘everything’ into each line that I wrote. I recall experiencing overpowering feelings of anxiety on one of the few occasions that I left the house. We pulled the car up at the service station and my mother asked me to put petrol into her car, go into the shop and pay for it. Very reluctantly, I swallowed back my anxiety, did what she asked but it felt like the longest five minutes of my life. May 14th, my 22nd birthday, I wanted no people, no presents, no cake. I couldn't find the energy within me to inspire any feeling of happiness or a wish to celebrate something so frivolous and self-centered. It just became another day that passed me by, gone unnoticed. As the weeks went on, I saw posts of everyone finishing up college, just like me - alone in their bedrooms. May 22nd, my final day of college. I am reminded of the phrase “We are all in this together”. I knew I wasn’t alone but I did know that my feelings are a little irrational but in my mind, I justified them.

Date: Tuesday May 26th

Time: 01:00

Place: Sligo Town

A few days ago, I plucked up the courage to meet my first friend in 12 weeks. I decided it was my time to leave my house. It felt very strange to get dressed in decent clothes. I was nervous and unsure about sitting in a park, allowing strangers to walk past me, questioning if they would respect my boundaries, and respect my anxious need for social distancing. Some did, many didn’t. I wanted to release the hold of the resentment I felt towards those who have decided social distancing was not for them. I wanted to let go of the anger I felt towards others ‘rebellious’ and ‘carefree’ posts on social media. A few times, I expressed my viewpoint and opinion but I rarely received the outcome I would have hoped and intended for, I decided that staying quiet was going to serve me better. I made the decision to come off social media for a couple of days. I didn’t want my relationships and friendships to be tainted by our contrasting perspectives on what life during COVID-19 should be like. At times, due to anguish I felt, I wished everyone would hold the same respect for the guidance from the government as myself. It became clear to me that life just does not work like that. People have the freedom to choose. It’s strange seeing my friends after months of separation and not being able to hug them. It’s funny to think about hugging another person again, I wonder when that will happen…. When it does, I'll know that life will have regained some sense of ‘new’ normality again. Personally, I'm looking forward to the day when I can freely leave my home without having to do my grounding exercises…I hope it will come soon.

This has been my journey. I have just relayed a summary of my internal monologue for the last 12 weeks. My hopes and my fears, coupled with a new found gratitude for the simple things in life that many of us take for granted. There are many upsides to quarantine. Not having to juggle life’s daily demands – work commitments, clubs and socs commitments with college work gave a great sense of relief. It was time to connect with myself and my family and to get to know and love the latest addition to our family – our new puppy – ‘Georgie’, who has brought so much fun and joy into our lives. I’m still trying to use my time productively by preparing my portfolio as I apply for a Masters programme. Most importantly, I am trying to look after my physical and mental health.

As we continue to debate, disagree, agree, to apologise, to love each other, to miss from afar, just now, all we can do is be patient, be tolerant of ourselves and each other and continue to use this time to adapt as creatively as we can to the circumstances we find ourselves in. Right now, I feel both hopeful and scared about the prospect of the day this all stops. What about you? What do you feel?